My Least Favorite Day of the Year

I didn’t want to write this post. I have typed and hit the backspace button so many times, I couldn’t tell you. I debated on whether or not I would be understood. I cried so much I thought perhaps my tears would short circuit the computer. I know I run the risk of sounding disgustingly selfish and just wanting to feel sorry for myself, but I have to open up all of my feelings (even the ugly ones) for this to be true. But, on the off chance that there might be ONE person out there that my story could help, I have decided to share.

Mother’s Day. My not so favorite time of year. In fact, if I can be extremely transparent with you, I dread it’s coming. Not because I don’t love & appreciate my mother (because I do), but because I am not one. I am honestly happy that all of my sweet friends are able to have a day to be honored for all they do as moms. But on this day, I am left out. There is a constant prick in my heart as I hear small voices call for mommy and know none of them are calling me. I have a mom and I love this day for her, and yet my heart breaks that there is not a soul alive that calls me “mom”.

The sad feelings aren’t because I am not being honored on this day, but because I don’t have the other 364 days of the year with runny noses to wipe, diapers to change, middle of the night feedings, rocking to soothe the crying… all the things that come with being “Mommy”. I know I am going to go to church and the sermon is going to be about the value of mothers & how children are an heritage of the Lord. And I will sit in my pew with tears rolling down my cheeks as I try to stop the whispers in my heart of : “so then why doesn’t God want you to be a mother?” or “you’re not good enough to be trusted with a child.” It’s amazing how low that sneaky devil will go to get me to doubt God’s goodness and love. And he knows right where it hurts.

This particular mother’s day happened to come at a really bad time for me. What almost next to none of you know, is that for the last couple of months I have been seeing a doctor, particularly to help me with my fertility issues. For the first time in awhile, I got my hopes up. We were told that there was a chance we could get pregnant and the week leading up to mother’s day, I would get my pregnancy test results. We prayed & fasted. We took every step we were supposed to take. I had a couple of select friends praying for a miracle.

I read story after story in my Bible about how God came through and gave a child to a barren woman. I read about the 3 matriarchs of the nation of Israel: Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel ~ all whom were barren. I read the verse about the Lord remembering Rachel and then she conceived. My sole prayer became: “Lord, remember me… Lord, remember me…”.

Thursday I received the news I hadn’t been expecting. I just knew this would be perfect. God had led my path to this doctor. All seemed to be lining up in the proverbial stars. I was hoping against hope, believing in hope. I had imagined how I was going to tell Junior that he would finally be a father. I truly hadn’t even considered the thought that God would say no… again.

Shocked, my first thought was, “God forgot you.” Then I just kind of went numb. I went through the motions of getting ready for the day, then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears fell, washing off my freshly applied makeup. I put down my hairbrush and stumbled to the futon where we sleep and crumpled to my knees. I talked with God for awhile and begged Him for a right spirit and grace to accept His answer.

My day was so blissfully busy that it took my mind off of the fact that my best chance in years of getting pregnant was fruitless. But on the drive home, the tears came afresh. I could feel myself falling into the black hole of hurt. I didn’t understand. What did I do wrong? What was wrong with me? And the favorite cry of the wounded, “Why?”

I grabbed my Bible as soon as I got home. Why all the stories of choosing to heal barren wombs if He won’t do it anymore? Why the promise to make the barren woman a joyful mother of children if I can’t claim it today? I read all the stories over again, looking for answers.

Then I came again to the story of Hannah. When I read this it stopped me in my tracks: “Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?” It as if I had read it for the first time. I know it was said by Hannah’s husband, but to me the Holy Spirit, Himself, was asking: “Jessica, why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to thee than ten sons?”

Perhaps I will never be a mother. I love being a wife, but maybe my calling is to love Jesus. Supremely. Just Him. Without my love being pulled in other directions. Maybe He doesn’t want to share my heart. And although I may not know what it is like to have a son, I HAVE tasted of the goodness of God. It far surpasses the love of any other. It is safe to say that He is better to me than ten sons. I want Him to know that He is enough for me. He doesn’t have to give me a child, but I do want His presence. I wouldn’t trade knowing Him on a deeper level for any number of sons. And I think I will take all my child free days proving that to Him ~ Taking moments that could be bitter and using them to love Him more.

So, this mother’s day (which could’ve been the worst one for me on record) is the one I am looking forward to the most. For I will feel honored by the One Who has chosen this for me because HE wants to be better to me than ten sons ~ the One Who wants to be everything to me. In dealing with this issue, I have learned that it can be redeemed to help others, but now I know it can benefit my relationship with Him. It draws me nearer. It keeps me on my knees. It gives me access to a whole other level of God. He is filling such a deep void that it can’t help but knit our hearts. I just keep falling in love with Him over and over… Now I can know Him in a way so many cannot. And isn’t that the whole point of life anyway?

“That I may KNOW Him… and the fellowship of His sufferings…” and that’s enough for me. Because HE is enough for me!

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! And I truly mean it.

Love,

Jessica

It Happened One Sunday

I will be the first to admit, it seems everywhere I go, funny… strange… interesting things happen to or around me. But what happened yesterday is even hard for me to believe. The story goes something like this…

I woke up & stretched. Time to get ready for church. We are presenting our work in Peru to a church in here in Ohio, so we can’t be late. My makeup is done now. My hair curled. Perfect timing since I have ten minutes to be out the hotel room door. I just need to get dressed.

I reach into my luggage to where my dress should be & pull my hand out ~ empty. No reason to panic. Yet. I start removing all the contents of my bag. I have my white tank top for underneath the dress. Slip ~ check. Black & white shoes to perfectly match the dress ~ Check. I even have the shrug for over the dress, but it is painfully obvious there is no dress. NOW it’s time to panic!

Junior tells me to throw on the only complete outfit I have with me ~ which of course is a faded jean skirt and a hoodie and we head to church. The whole 20 minute drive there, I am (almost literally) kicking myself and trying not to burst into tears. Cause that’s all I need is to not only walk into a supporting church looking like a bum, but also with red puffy eyes and mascara running down my cheeks!

Junior tells me to Google thrift stores and I found one right across from our hotel! I dropped him off to set up our display and sped off (within the range of the speed limit, I assure you) to Goodwill. I pulled up and was shocked to see the parking lot totally packed out. There were people waiting for it to open! Then I looked at the large neon sign that read, “50% off of everything to everyone 50 or older”. The growing line of senior citizens was making alot more sense now.

The doors opened. I elbowed my way through a group of slower (barely) moving ladies & made a bee line for the dresses. Almost immediately my eyes fell on a black & white dress that was too good to be true. I started murmuring prayers to heaven as I tentatively reached up to look at the tag. I gulped and then just decided to look. It was…. MY SIZE! Then I noticed the little “p” next to the number. It was a petite. And if there is anything I ain’t ~ it’s petite. I am almost 5’8 and always struggle with finding things long enough.

I quickly scanned the rest of the rack & saw nothing else that would do. This dress had to work! I sighed & realized I was going to have to try it on. I headed to the “dressing room”, while checking my cell phone for the time which was quickly slipping by, and dodging electric carts and wheelchairs.

I tried it on and miracle of miracles, it was long enough! I have changed back, grabbed the dress, and got in line at the check out. I was next in line, when I felt a tiny shove as someone pushed past me and ran out the door. Then someone yelled, “She’s stealing!” And all of the employees took off after the girl that had just ran past me.

All of us customers watched as the suspected thief zigged & zagged across the parking lot trying to evade the Goodwill employees. The manager must’ve decided she had enough, because she suddenly took a flying leap and tackled the criminal. Like a boss! It was awesome. And it taught me to never mess with thrift store workers. They’re no joke! Finally they dragged her back inside to wait for the cops and I was able to pay & get out of there… but I lost 15 minutes.

So, making it for Sunday School was not going to happen, but I could still be there for church. Since I had everything I needed with me except nylons , I decided to head back towards the church. There had to be somewhere near there I could get some pantyhose. I was almost all the way there when I spotted a mini shopping center with a Family Dollar. I ran in there like the wind, bought the nylons, and got out in no time flat. I was totally going to make it!

Now I just needed a place to change. Well, we had the second seat in the van already pulled out & the windows are tinted, so I figured why not change back there? I parked the van in the back corner of the lot, got my things together, and crawled into the back. I took off my hoodie and put on my tank top. I had one leg in the air and started putting on my nylons when there was a knock at the back window. It was a police officer! And he was saying, “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle.”

Absolutely mortified, I obeyed. I stood there, nylons only half on, arms bare, and tears in my eyes. Our conversation kinda went like this:

Him: Where are you headed today, Ma’am?

Me: (Lip quivering) to church!

*shocked* Really? I thought it was very suspicious when I saw you way back here in the back of a van.

I apologize, sir. I needed to change for service!

Don’t you have a home?

I’m visiting from Indiana. We are staying at the Best Western back in Cincinatti.

Why didn’t you change at your hotel? Or why not wear the clothes you are wearing? I think I am going to need to search your van.

At this point I am near sobbing. I start spilling out my whole story in between gulps and tears. I told him how I was a visiting missionary, I like to wear my Sunday best but I forgot to pack my dress, I was already super late, people were waiting on me, and then I squeaked out how God had worked a miracle for me that morning. He looked around, slightly confused, and asked, “Nothing about this situation seems miraculous. What do you mean?” I sniffed loudly than said, “God helped me find a dress that perfectly matched my shoes!” The officer started laughing so hard. He said it was so crazy, I couldn’t be making it up. He chose to let me go & let me finish getting dressed. As he walked away, he turned and said, ” You know, I thought people who cared that much about church & God died with my grandma. It’s good to know it didn’t. Thank you.”

I got my dress on, got to church (woefully late ), and had a normal day after that. Until I was regaling Junior with my adventures on the way to lunch, and he said, “Good thing the police didn’t see the gun I had stored in the back. It’s illegal in Ohio! You could’ve gone to jail!” O_o Wow. That could’ve gone horribly wrong. Could you see me?!? “I didn’t know a gun was there, officer, I swear!” Yeah, right! I am glad it ended the way it did.

Yep. Just another Sunday for me… Probably good that deputation is over! Although I have a feeling this will continue in Peru ~ or wherever I am. Hahaha!

I love my life.

Love,

~ Jessica

The Secret To Loving

It’s here. The time we have been waiting for… deputation is over. It feels weird to type that, slightly bittersweet actually. So many memories & lessons learned, and through it all God’s been good.

We just returned from our last missions conference in Arkansas. It will always be special to us because it was our final one, but also because during this trip we purchased our one way tickets to Lima! Peru, here we come!

Now, I know God loves me, but it seemed at this conference, He went out of His way to prove it to me.

The second night, a lady gave me this heart charm she had gotten in the villages in Peru. She told me that she just couldn’t get it out of her mind that I needed to have it.

Then, the pastor’s daughter had made an incredible flower arrangement for her school competition. That night at the service she gave it to me. It had half a dozen roses in it! I was so excited & told her roses were one of my “God loves me” signs. Another lady overheard this, and the next day, she brought me a collage of pictures of her rosebush (which if you can see in the picture is shaped like a heart!) and she had cut one of the tiny rosebuds off for me. God. Loves. Me.

Some of the girls in the church baked me brownies, a SS class gave me a necklace & earrings, while out soul winning I saw four of the brightest blue birds… it seemed everywhere I turned, God’s love was in my face. It reminded me of that verse, “thou preventest him with blessings…” I was being bombarded with reminders of God’s personal love. I couldn’t take a step without feeling cared for & about. I was overwhelmed at His goodness.

And so, those people will always have a special place in my heart. It was easy to love them because I was so aware of the love of God every minute of that conference.

“The secret to loving is living loved.” ~ Max Lucado

But it didn’t end at the conference. When I got home, I was opening mail and got the sweetest note of thanks for how my testimony helped someone. What better sign of God’s love ~ When the things you go through are able to be used to God’s glory. Then I was taking a walk when I felt God’s presence so strongly and right by my shoulder was a beautiful butterfly. God’s love is always there. It’s just not always recognized.

The reason I felt such a bond with the people of Gospel Light is not because they liked who I was or because we had similar personalities. Or because they complimented me or loved me for something I could do for them. It was much deeper than that. They were sharing with me God’s love. True love.

Sometimes I worry (shocking, I know ) about how I am ever going to be able to really make a difference in Peru ~ an eternal difference. Well, truth is, I can’t. I can get them to like me, but as soon as I fail & disappoint them… which I WILL… there goes any chance of changing their lives.

The only thing I can do is what Gospel Light & so many others have done for me… point them to God’s love. Be a constant human reminder of the Unseen Hand that reaches out to them. Prevent them with blessings that say: the King of Kings and Lord of Lords loves them with an everlasting love ~ a love that won’t stop. No matter what.

“In God’s wisdom, He frequently chooses to meet our needs by showing His love towards us through the hands & hearts of others.” ~ Jack Hayford

Recognizing His love for me is not the last step, but actually the first one. If I don’t know His love, I have nothing of any merit to offer anyone else. But if all I see is Jesus in everything, then I can point Him out to all that cross my path. You see, we are the conduits of His love. So every time I reach out to another, may they see that it’s truly not my hand, it’s a nail pierced one…

Love,

Jessica

The Only Thing God Keeps

“Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?”

The first chords of the invitation music had just started and I felt a tap on my shoulder. One of the sweet bus teenage girls that I have been working with asked if I would go pray with her at the altar. We kneeled together and she began to pour out her heart to God. I cannot tell you the heartbreak and sadness this seventeen year old girl has had in her life. As she prayed, she gripped my hand. Then there was silence. Suddenly, I felt water running down my arm and onto our clenched fists. It was her tears…

The tone on my cell sounded letting me know I had received a new e-mail. I opened it and read the grief one of my friends was dealing with. She started off well, but as the e-mail progressed, it just became a jumble of emotion and hurt. She ended with, “I just can’t stop crying. Tears are my constant companion.” And that said more to me than her words ever could. Her tears…

It seems lately I have been surrounded by tears. From those I love and my own. They are something that touches everyone. No matter your background, race, religion, or station in life, you are familiar with tears. They are no respecter of persons. Even if you refuse to let them fall, you know them. You may only shed them in secret, but you cannot deny their existence in your life. Tears…

Some say, ‘tears are the words the heart cannot say’. I have to agree. Tears are the most deeply felt form of expression. Although, tears are mostly related to sadness, there are also tears of joy, love, and gratitude. I say, “Tears are the physical proof that our hearts are overwhelmed by some feeling. They are so full that something has to spill out.”  Our tears…

The verse I put at the top absolutely astounds me. If I am reading correctly, God talks about my wanderings. He has a book about my life. And He has a bottle where He puts things. Liquid things. The fact that God thinks about me always leaves me feeling loved and special, but mostly in awe. How much more so, the reality that He keeps record of my comings and goings. I matter!

I am looking forward to heaven. The promise of everything being perfect is so beautiful. Our sin nature completely gone. The body of this death changed for a new one with no pains ~ in the place where we will never grow old. Nothing of our earthly life to plague us or bring us down. In fact, it almost seems to be a dream. Yet, God walks us into His library, and He pulls out our books. We get to read all of the love He poured into our story. The Author of our faith shares with us our lives from His perspective. And now He has finished our faith, for He is our sight.

Now He brings out His bottle. And your mind rushes back to all of your tears. The tears of pain, of fear, of not understanding what God was trying to teach you. The tears of betrayal. The tears of shame. The tears of failure. Scenes flash before your eyes of laying on your bed as the tears course down and pool into your ears and onto your pillow. The drive home from the doctor’s office after you received the bad news. The grass around the gravesite that you watered with your tears. The pages of your open Bible now withered from tears. The altar where  your heart so badly wanted deliverance or a miracle that no words could come. Only tears. Your tears…

That is what you see in His bottle. Except now you see how He worked it all together for good. But not only that, He saw every time you cried and His heart ached with you. He felt every drop that fell. And He cared so much that He scooped them off the ground and placed them in His bottle. The only thing in heaven that God has kept from your life on earth, because it communicated more to Him about what was in your heart than a thousand prayers ever could. Now that is love.

Most people want to avoid tears at all costs. They hide behind fake smiles. They fill their lives with empty things. They surround themselves with loud things to drown out their sadness. But God doesn’t keep our smiles. He doesn’t bottle up our laughter. Just our tears…

There will be a time when God will wipe away all tears from our eyes in heaven. Maybe that’s why He keeps our tears from now. As a reminder of how deeply we needed Him.  I don’t really know. 

 Whatever the reason He has, I am thankful for each tear. Every time I shed tears in my life, I pray God puts them in His bottle. For when we come to the time that there will be no more tears, I want to take that bottle, go to His throne, and wash His feet. With my tears…

~ Jessica

Victory…Sweeter Than Sugar! ~ Weeks Seven & Eight

I have sat down to write this blog no less than twenty times. I really haven’t forgotten or abandoned the journey. Far from it! But since I am leaving the country in two months, spending time with family & friends took priority. I am sure you understand ~ thank you!

All that to say, I realize two whole weeks have passed (and a couple of days), but although I may not have been updating, I HAVE been dieting! Promise! I did take a tiny timeout and enjoyed some Jets pizza (a Michigan MUST) but I made up for it by cutting extra calories or bumping up the cardio. We were crazy busy again with meetings & a conference  at my home church, but I felt really good the whole time. God really helped me keep a handle on everything amidst the madness.

That is why I can say…. IIIIIII DID IT! I have conquered the deputation dozen! In the last two weeks, I have lost the final four pounds needed to reach my goal. I cannot tell you how good it feels. 8 weeks gone and twelve pounds with them. So long suckers!!! I plan to never see you again. I am beyond thankful to God for helping my oh-so-lacking character and giving me the strength to push beyond myself.

Good news is… IT WORKS! Counting calories, eating smart, and working out works. Yes, at times it was frustrating. There were days I would’ve killed to take a magic pill and melt the poundage away. I had moments when we were being given our fourth meal for the day, when I could’ve paid good money to have someone staple my stomach (or mouth) shut! But I am so thankful I stuck with it and chose the healthy way.  It not only helped me lose weight, but it’s a lifestyle I can keep.

This is a picture from yesterday. Today on Facebook, my friend April told me I should use it in my blog. She thinks it’s a good one {she’s too sweet}. So, I wanted to share it. I also cropped another pic from today hoping that maybe you all would be able to see the difference in my waist/hips ~ aka. my problem area.  I know there is nothing like seeing me in person… so, you are all cordially invited to Hammond, Indiana to check up on me! And it would give me a chance to see you! But you better hurry I am only here for ten more weeks…

I do have to mention that although this will be my last weight loss blog update, I have decided that I want to continue this journey. Of course, it won’t be on such an intense level, but I do want to lose some more. Losing the dozen was huge and necessary (especially for a girl with a heart condition), but for myself I want to keep losing. I think I’ve caught the fever!

As for all my girls that have been doing this with me, I have to again, thank you for all the support. I can’t tell you how many time I did NOT want to run the treadmill or really thought I HAD to eat that cupcake, but knowing you all were counting on me & cheering for me, kept me in line. You have a huge part in my ability to succeed in this.

I was always glad to hear of your victories! Thank you for letting me share in that with you. I heard from Estela this week and she has lost 5 pounds! She still wants more and I know she will do it! My friend, Erika, suddenly decided that she wanted in on our club since she dropped 14 pounds in ONE week! Oh… did I happen to mention that most of that was from having a BABY?!?! I had to tease her. I guess that’s one way to do it ~ good job, Erika. And little Tyler is perfect and worth every pound.

I will still be praying for you all ~ Danielle, Peggy, Faby, Heidi, Barbara, Velvet, and all the anonymous members. You will always be an inspiration to me! I would be honored to help you in any way I can. I may not have all the answers, but I can find someone who does, or I can just be a listening & encouraging ear if any of you EVER need one. You all know how to contact me… don’t hesitate.

So, this chapter closes. And about four more begin…

{don’t worry. this blog will cover those, too! }

Love,

Jessica

 

Slow & Steady ~ Week Six

This is a hard post for me. I thought for sure that this would be my last diet blog. Week Six was supposed to be me announcing that I had shed every bit of my deputation dozen. I mean, seriously, I should’ve been able to drop two pounds a week, right?

Well… shoulda, coulda, woulda. Here I am faced with reality and I am only down 8 pounds. But I am not UP in weight. I have not stayed the same. It may take longer than I had originally thought in my oh-so-confident beginning state, but I will get there. No matter how many blogs I have to write!

This was a sigh of relief week for me though! One I am so glad is here, even if it came without me reaching my personal goal. For my husband & I have reached a goal of our own ~ we finished our last trip of deputation! No more week-long trips across country, towns, and time zones. Only individual meetings and two 5 day conferences (and 5 days might sound long to you, but after 8 week-long trips… pshhh! please! )

So, I have welcomed back schedule, SLEEP, and some type of stability. On the whole, I will not have to stay up super late or get up at the crack of dawn just to find free time to exercise. I have control over what I eat now (maybe I should say more control. Some days are a little iffy on the self-control level! ;P ) I am praying & working to use this to my advantage and have the rest of the weight melt off more consistently. I would love to not have any more weeks where I stay the same!

I saw our fellow dieter, Faby, on Wednesday and she looked beautiful! Hope she knows how proud I am of her! I talked with Danielle, and she hasn’t gained, but hasn’t lost either (totally know the feeling, girl!) so she is gonna shake up her exercise routine. Hopefully that will shock her off the plateau. The big thing isn’t that she hasn’t used it as a reason to just stop all together.  Another one of our anonymous friends is trying to lose baby weight. She has a goal of losing 35 pounds and I KNOW she can. She e-mailed me this week, and after six weeks has lost TEN pounds!!!!! I’ll go a happy dance for ya, friend! (Hey, I might burn some extra calories that way!) KEEP IT UP! That goes for all my girls out there…

I saw my team leaders wife, Mrs. Christy at church on Wednesday and she said she could see my weight loss! Like music to the dieter’s ears! But she also said it is so hard to tell in my blog pics. Then she mentioned that it might be the angle ~ how it is always pointing up. I had to laugh when she said that! The only person I have to take my pics is Junior and because of his leg, he always takes the pictures sitting down! So, I found the only pic with a close up of me in it from our trip. And of course, my girl Bre is going to kill me for using this… not her best moment! Maybe this is a better way to show my progress, though? I had to at least try…

I am looking forward to this week. Which is such a nice change of pace. I think I stressed myself way out the last couple weeks of travel. I am getting to go see my Dad in Michigan this weekend & my only worry is ~ JETS pizza. And all my MI friends know exactly why that is such a huge temptation! Best. Pizza. Ever. But all in all, it’s going to be a great week!

Week Seven… no worries…

~ Jessica

 

Just A Passing Through

It all started when I couldn’t find my hair detangler. As usual after washing, my hair was a mess of knots and tangles. It is impossible to brush without help of some kind. Hence the desperate search for the detangler. I had already completely emptied my bathroom bag with no luck, so I whipped the suitcase and duffel bags still stacked in the corner from our trip and drug them to the middle of the bedroom floor. I unceremoniously dumped all the contents on the floor and began rifling through the piles looking for the elusive blue & purple bottle. After ten agonizing minutes, I found it. My nano-second of victory soon turned into a groan at the sight of the our belongings strewn everywhere.

I decided to get to pick up the piles later. I had to attack my hair before it dried too much. As soon as I had finished, I wanted to pick out my outfit for church. Since most of my things are packed away, I have very few outfits to choose from. I held back a huge sigh as I realized we had forgotten to bring our laundry bags in after our trip and that is where my outfit was at this moment. I could have easily washed it & worn it, if the bag hadn’t been in the van, with Junior… on the other side of the city. *double sigh* 

Then as if the aggravation level couldn’t rise another inch, I jumped over one of the many boxes we have, landed on one of my shoes, fell forward and banged my shin into the dresser. Hard. I crumpled onto the futon and burst into tears ~ some from pain, but most from pure frustration.

“Oh, God,” I prayed, “I am so sick of living out of bags & boxes! I just want to have a home again. Somewhere to decorate and make our own. My mom has been so kind, but this is not OUR place. I miss MY bed. I have slept in so many different places the last year! I want to make dinner on my OWN stove and serve it on OUR dishes, not eat another peanut butter sandwich on a paper plate while driving! Oh, Father, when I am EVER going to feel AT HOME again?!?”

For a moment, there was silence. Then I heard, “My child. You will NEVER feel at home here.” I sat. Stunned. What? I wanted to argue with the Holy Spirit. I will NEVER feel at home here? Not even in MY house in Peru? What about the security and consistency I so desperately crave? Will peace always allude me? Then the whisper pierced through my muddled musings, “Your home is with me. I comfort you while you are away, while you are journeying as a stranger in the land you are in. But you will only feel at home when you walk through my gates. I have prepared a place just for you…” 

Why is He always right? He knows just how to help me face the truth and feel so wrapped in love at the same time. I could live in the same house in Peru for the rest of my days, decorate every room, raise children, have generations come through, stuff memories into every corner, and that building will never be my home. I will always have a part of my heart that longs for a place I have never seen with my eyes, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt is waiting for me and that’s where I belong.

I am thankful for deputation. It has taught me to live with my bags packed; to always be ready to go. I know that I can live without all of the things we sold, and even the things we have piled into a storage unit. I don’t mind being uprooted and moved. Anywhere in this world is not my home. I’m just passing through. It has made me find my security in the One who knows the feeling of leaving His home and having to be a pilgrim ~ misunderstood and always feeling out-of-place, yet finding those along the way who catch of glimpse of where He is from & become citizens of His country as well. And that is why we are still here. To tell others of the Savior who wants to be with us forever and has a real home waiting for us. That makes this whole trip worth it ~ My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.

So, I can handle living out of a suitcase. It’s temporary. I can take the pain, hurt, and sorrow this life can hand me, because it’s temporary. “Some how, I know I’ll make it through. When all I have to do is rest in God’s amazing grace…” This will end, but every step of the way, I have the God who lived this life, conquered it AND death, and sweetly reminds me of the permanent home I have… with Him. I don’t need mansions. Or streets of gold. Or walls of jasper.

“Some day, I’ll leave it all behind. Wake up one morn we’re standing face to face…” <3 I just need HIM.

He is HOME to me.

 

~ Jessica

 

 

Missed Opportunities ~ Week Five

What a crazy week it has been! I told my husband that I think after a year, I have grown allergic to deputation. It seems every trip we have gone on lately, I have gotten sick! Last trip was the flu. This week I suffered from altitude sickness up in the beautiful mountains in Colorado. Now for the last two days, I have had a nasty cold. I think maybe God wants me to just stay home from now on. Oh wait… I don’t have a home…

Also, I have had two nights where I got less than an hour and a half of sleep, then went all day including services at night. This week has had me on four different flights and three time zones. My body is so confused! When this trip is done on Monday, we will have been in church for fifteen days straight! So, I may not have gotten as physically fit as possible, but I am spiritually toned up. That’s one big positive about having so many conferences!

Moving on… All that to say, I did not lose any weight this week. *sad face* I was so pumped too, because everywhere we have stayed there was exercise equipment available ( which is pretty much NEVER the case), but since I wasn’t feeling well, we had meetings every night, and activities every day, I exercised once. That was it. I feel like it was a huge missed opportunity. It was pretty depressing. I started getting down about it. Then I got to the point where we were getting up at 2:30 in the morning to catch planes all day just to make it to yet another meeting, and I decided to not be so hard on myself. I needed to stay positive & focused ~ not beat myself up about something I had no power to change. Yes, I had a great opportunity to sweat off some serious poundage this week. But week five is in the books now. Time to use the opportunities I get in week six.

I would like to celebrate a couple of small things with you. For those that know me, this will come as no surprise: “Hi. My name is Jessica and I am a chocoholic!” I am a firm believer that chocolate can fix just about anything. I have had moments on this diet that did feel like I was going through withdrawals. But, you will be ever so proud of me when I tell you that I was given TWO king-size caramel chocolate bars and I did NOT eat them! *woot! woot!* It was actually painful to watch my husband eat them, but I probably would’ve gained this week if I had given in to chocolatey temptation. Patting myself on the back that I stayed strong. This time.

Then, the pastor took us to Golden Corral. Buffets = diet killers! But I had salad and roasted chicken. Ok, and one chocolate covered strawberry (how could I pass on a chocolate fountain?!?!). I was completely full and satisfied. It’s all about thinking right. I was able to control my appetite by being in control mentally. I was full after the salad and chicken breast. Just because there was tons of other food available did not mean I had to eat it. I know, shock, right???? But sometimes we eat without thinking just because something is there or is placed in front of you. Good to know it’s a breakable pattern.

I actually forgot what state I was in today (Pennsylvania for those curious minds) so I will despairingly admit again, that I did not keep up with my fellow diet chicas! I have been praying for each of you. I hope you didn’t have any missed chances this week, but even so, keep going. I know I am forever going on and on… and on about how my schedule is insanity and all, but I am never too busy for any of you. Text, e-mail, message, facebook. I WILL get back to you as soon as I can. I usually do computer work & things at night (like writing this post at 1 am) since I’m a night owl,  so I do check all my messages and things daily. Peggy, Velvet, Danielle, Heidi, Faby, and anonymous others, I’m rooting for you. I believe in you. Don’t stop! We have come so far!!!

This is our last long trip ever on our deputation adventures! From now on, we only have weekend meetings and two five-day conferences. I am excited to have a somewhat steady life until the craziness of moving to South America begins. I have good feelings about this week…

 

Week Six… I’m Exhausted! So let’s take one day at a time!

 

~ Jessica

Back On Track! ~ Week Four

After losing basically NOTHING last week, I have quite an announcement to make today. I feel like maybe I should ramble on here for a while and then maybe throw it to a commercial or something just to keep you in suspense, but I won’t. I’m too excited. So, Maestro… Drum Roll, Please… *insert the rolling of drums* Aaaaaand the big news is: ” I HAVE PASSED THE HALFWAY POINT! I AM OVER HALFWAY TO LOSING MY DEPUTATION DOZEN!

Ta Da! I wore my hair back in this pic, cause I think you can totally tell in my face that I have lost six pounds. (I wish it was more in the hips/thighs area, but I’ll take it going away from anywhere, right? )  To be completely honest, I was a little worried about this week. I had an epic fail in week three and thought I might be at a plateau. But I am down two more pounds! * insert ridiculous looking happy dance!* I think what really helped me to get over the hump this week,  is that my doctor put me on some medicine and I have to drink 20 ounces of water with each dose. Well, I have to take four a day. Now, all I drink is water. No more empty calories from drinks! So as much as it might be a pain to constantly be chugging out of my water bottle, it works. And I have to admit, I think it’s kinda healthier for me all around.

On a completely random side note, aren’t you jealous of that amazing fireplace behind me? We are staying in a cabin way up in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. I have just been snuggled up here watching it snow all day. It’s so beautiful! Wish you all were here! Then you could go skiing with me! My husband is no fun with his broken leg… It would be such fun exercise!!!

Anyway, back to diet news… We have a new member!!! Well, technically, she has been dieting along with us the entire time, but just let me know last week. Welcome, Heidi! Heidi is also on deputation ~ or “delicious deputation” as she calls it ~ and is wanting to lose the ten pounds she has added. She has been using the My Fitness Pal app (calorie & exercise counter) and has already lost FOUR pounds! WAY TO GO, Heidi! I also have downloaded that app (it’s FREE, btw) and I highly recommend it. Our friend, Danielle has also lost another half a pound. She is also working on learning Spanish, so I’m gonna give her a “Buen trabajo!”. Velvet admitted she had a rough week three, just like I did. It was her birthday, and who can say no to their OWN birthday cake?!? But she is super determined to get “Back on Track” and I, without a doubt, know she can! Proud of you, girlie.

I’m hoping to hear good reports from all of the rest of my chicas! (Even the ones I never mention in the blog for privacy reasons, but you know who you are! ). I know life can get in the way and constantly watching what you put in your face, or finding time and energy to get a productive workout in can get really old. Really fast. Always be reminding yourself of the end results. ~ Health. Wellness. Increased Energy. Longer Life. Write down your personal reasons for wanting to get rid of the extra weight. We all have them. They are a perfect way to get your backside on the elliptical when all you want to do is get under the blankets and polish off a bag of popcorn!  I am pulling for you. And it doesn’t matter if you haven’t reached the half way goal in the same time as I have. As long as you are moving in the right direction. There isn’t a specific time-table in this journey. Just take one step at a time!

 

As I mentioned, we are in Colorado. We are at the very beginning of the craziness of our three-conferences-in-three-different-states-in-two-weeks schedule. I am beyond pumped because the room we are staying in these next three days has exercise equipment! *BONUS* But I am also terrified, cause they have some incredibly yummy meals lined up for us… So this could end up being a draw. But that beats gaining, I suppose. Scouts honor to you, that I will do my very best to make this a “losing” week! The last two days of this week are in North Carolina, so I do expect some sympathy that I am going to have to pass on what I know will be some DEEE-LISH Southern cooking!

Hope you all enjoy a great week! Thanks for all of your support. And know that I am always here for ya! Love & Prayers.

Week Five… Let’s Do This!

 

~ Jessica

The Scent of Suffering

As most of you probably already know, I look for ways that God shows me He loves me. I have certain signs that whenever, wherever, or however I see them I think of God’s love for me. One of those is a rose. Roses are my “God Loves Me” sign.

We were at a missions conference all last week. I was worried about my husband’s leg as we traveled, how much pain it would put him through standing so much to teach & preach, then I got sick! But God, in all of His kindness and caring about even little me, sent me an “I Love You”. A lady in the church we were at, gave me a single red rose. I immediately felt cared for & special.

We left Georgia to drive home last Monday morning. All the way, I was thinking about our accident. It was exactly three months ago that day. Then we got news that another missionary family on deputation had gotten into a car accident and had lost their three-year old daughter. It was sobering. It made me wonder why God has chosen to spare us and not the adorable  little girl. Needless to say, our ride was a quiet and pensive one.

Partway through the day, I asked where my rose was. I wanted to put it on the dash so I could keep it in sight as a constant reminder of God’s love. At my question, my husband looked down between our two seats. I gasped as I saw my rose smashed underneath all kinds of stuff that had accumulated there.

I picked up the petals. I knew I couldn’t put it back together and restore it to its perfect former beauty, but I had to salvage what was left. I placed one of the petals into my Bible as a keepsake and discarded the rest. What was left of the rose went on the dashboard and I silently sulked at the state of my “God Loves Me” sign.

Eventually, we had to stop. We were at a gas station and I had gotten out to stretch my legs. A lady passed me and stopped short. “Roses!” She blurted out. “I smell roses! Is that your lotion?” At first, I was very confused. Then I remembered having to pick up the rose petals. I told her what it was. “Oh! That’s why!” She answered. “The scent of a rose is always so much stronger when it’s been broken or crushed. It must’ve been so strong, it stuck to your fingers!”

As we drove away, I couldn’t get that conversation out of my mind. As long as that rose was perfectly preserved, I knew God loved me. The sign was for me alone. But as soon as it had been broken, crushed, damaged, injured, the scent of God’s love was all over me. So much so, that it couldn’t help but be noticed by others.

As we have gone through this week, another young couple we went to college with, lost their sweet baby boy. He only lived a day. I cannot tell you how many texts and e-mails I have gotten about what a great picture of God’s grace they have been. But the grace they received wasn’t for their eyes only. But because they had been hurt ~because there was a hole in their lives where their darling baby had been, there was now a place for grace of God already in their lives to spill out and touch others.

Earlier, I had mentioned that it had been three months since our accident. I am constantly looking for ways for God to use it to His glory. Well, on Friday, my husband was able to lead one of his therapists to Jesus! She accepted Christ as her Savior. She also told him that it was her last day at that job. We never would’ve crossed paths with Michelle if not for our crash.  Her eternal salvation was worth every stitch, surgery, and staple. There are many more important things than our comfort and living a pain-free life and Michelle’s salvation is one of them. “For there’s a greater story, written long before me, because He loves you like this…”

Today, the Cretzman’s (the family I spoke  of earlier) are burying their 3-year-old daughter ~ an ache I can’t begin to imagine. Yet, from this tragedy, a nurse has been saved. And I am sure that only in heaven will we finally know the far-reaching effects this family has had now that God has put them on the platform of suffering.

And that is exactly what it is. A platform. God chooses only certain people to place up where everyone can watch as they deal with wounds, loss, and agony that would defeat even the best and strongest of people. And how these couples and so many others I know, have been such an example to me of God’s love!  But I could’ve never seen God’s grace in real life, in action, without someone else’s pain. Sometime’s the touch of God hurts. And many times it is for the benefit of others.

Now every time I look at that rose petal tucked in the pages of my Bible, I remember how it had to be crushed. I think of how I had to pick up the pieces of what was shattered, in order for God’s love to rub off on me. And while I had to live with what was broken, someone else got a brief scent of grace. As I walk through a crowded room, nursing my aching heart, those I pass catch the fragrance of  His love.  He is all that is sustaining me, so His presence just emanates from me. It then covers all that are around me. Much of what happens to me, happens for others. But while being an example of His love comes at a price, it also comes with Him. And He is worth it.

Every time.

Love,

Jessica

Dedicated to all those who are chosen to suffer. You all have helped me and countless others. Never underestimate the power of suffering. Keep on, Keeping on. <3 Phil. 3:10